


of time and space

by mypage



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged Up NCT Dream, Alternate Universe - Kindergarten & Pre-school, Blow Jobs, Drinking, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, Love Triangles, M/M, Post-Break Up, Romance, things turn out better than renjun thinks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:20:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22546180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mypage/pseuds/mypage
Summary: The swirling liquid stares back at him, and he gazes upon his reflection on the marbled counter. He knows that drinking away his feelings along with his memories is not the best way to get over a heartbreak. Unfortunately, it's the only way Renjun knows how to feel better.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Huang Ren Jun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 4
Kudos: 64





	of time and space

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [@renhyuckvevo](https://twitter.com/renhyuckvevo)! Thank you so much for letting me write this! I had such a great time and discovered that I could actually write something that's not a 00z ship? I hope you like it!

Renjun is going to get drunk tonight  _ and  _ kill Donghyuck. Which order it comes first, he isn’t sure⏤but the endpoint of the night is clear: forget about Johnny.

It should be easy, considering the fact that they had only been dating for six months. Renjun knows he’s better than this, better than allowing a man to take hold of his emotions⏤yet, the sadness aches. It throbs in his ribcage and his best friend not coming to their meeting place in time to be his impulse control isn’t helping his case either. If he drinks an entire tequila bottle, it’s Donghyuck that is on his emergency dial number anyway.

The bar has loud music, and Renjun has been nursing his margarita for almost an hour as he waits for Donghyuck to come. Donghyuck has his excuses, and he knows that he might have been busy as Renjun invited him last minute. But Renjun’s sad and practically delirious out of the heartbreak brain is painting himself as the sole victim in this situation.

_ It’s so ridiculous. _ And Renjun hates himself for crying and losing sleep over a guy that left him without any prior goodbyes. Johnny probably doesn’t care about him anymore, and he shouldn’t even be thinking of him, yet whenever he wakes up in the morning⏤all that comes to him is the smell of Johnny’s cologne on his sheets, no matter how many times he has changed them.

It’s only been six months, he knows. It’s the fact that hurts his pride so much⏤only six months yet Johnny already cemented a permanent spot in his heart. The fact that he fucks him good doesn’t help either, nothing Renjun does can ever satisfy him as much as Johnny did.

The memories of Johnny splayed out on Renjun’s bed is making the blood travel straight to his dick. This is when he decides that he needs something stronger than a margarita to start his night. 

He manages to catch the bartender's attention, but not without the usual side glance he receives as if he does not belong there. Renjun keeps his steely gaze, asks for whiskey and another shot and the bartender slides it over to him finally. 

The swirling liquid stares back at him, and he gazes upon his reflection on the marbled counter. He knows that drinking away his feelings along with his memories is not the best way to get over a heartbreak. Unfortunately, it's the only way Renjun knows how to feel better.

Without an update from Donghyuck regarding his whereabouts, Renjun dunks the shot glass and chases it down with whiskey.

Does he regret it? Yes.

Does he need it? Yes.

"Whoa there," an unfamiliar voice from beside him speaks up. Renjun does not know when the stranger came up to him, he definitely did not notice him earlier when he'd been busy battling it out with the bartender to give him another drink. But when he turns around to look, he's sure he almost drooled out the whiskey pooling on his tongue.

Renjun swallows thickly, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand as he struggles to speak. "You talking to me?"

The stranger laughs, his eyes going in upward crescents and even in the dim lighting of the bar, Renjun can see the very prominent dimples that dot his cheeks. He's the personification of the word gorgeous and it would be fine if Renjun did not associate that word with Johnny.

He sighs inwardly, berating himself for thinking about Johnny when there's a stranger interested in him.

"Who else can I be talking to?" Gorgeous (his new nickname in Renjun's whiskey-addled brain) asks, a cheeky smile tugging his lips to the side. He has a cheek leaning on a hand, his elbow propped on the counter and Renjun notices the beer he's holding in his free hand.

Renjun pretends to look around and lifts his shoulders in a shrug when he sees no one else around them. "I don't know," he says, leaning forward as if to whisper to him. Gorgeous leans in too, and with eyes wide in the size of saucers, Renjun asks with feigned fear. "Are you seeing someone I'm not seeing?"

"Ghosts?" Gorgeous pulls back, laughing incredulously as Renjun frowns at him. "You believe in ghosts?"

"You don't?"

Renjun always thought that if someone did not believe in ghosts or in the supernatural, it's a deal-breaker⏤an immediate turn-off and he will be walking the other way never to speak to them again. However, even as Jaehyun (Gorgeous apparently has a name as handsome as he is) admits that he does not believe in ghosts or in anything that cannot be explained by science⏤Renjun still finds himself interested.

So, maybe, he gets a little heated thinking about this. And he does get into a heated conversation with Jaehyun about ghosts and everything else that they do not agree on. He does not know how it happened, how they started from arguing about aliens to Jaehyun touching his arm tenderly as he barraged on and on about the extraterrestrial. 

He does not know exactly what it is about Jaehyun, he does not know what tricks he pulled but it's effective enough to get him on his bed.

"Fuck," Renjun curses, slamming his head back onto the pillow as Jaehyun goes down on him. He smells the vivid scent of lavender of Jaehyun's sheets, and he thinks it should remind him of something but at this point⏤his brain is far too melted on the feeling of Jaehyun's lips around his cock. "You're so good at this, oh god, Jaehyun... keep going. Please."

Jaehyun hums around his dick and by instinct, Renjun thrusts up into his throat which causes Jaehyun to let go, laughing slightly as he pins his hips back down. "So hasty, don't worry. I'll let you fuck me later, mhm?"

Yeah, this is going to be the end of Renjun.

One night stands are just that. Something that lasts for one night and never to be revisited again. And while he did enjoy the night with Jaehyun, and had the fortunate encounter to meet him in the morning because Jaehyun woke up early and started preparing breakfast for him⏤it is only a one-night stand after all. 

With a bad case of hangover, his entire body sore from fucking Jaehyun last night, Renjun sits through breakfast awkwardly. Jaehyun tries to make light conversation, but Renjun is antsy and all he wants is to take his walk of shame, shower, and then go back to sleep. He can't even look Jaehyun in the face because it's only now, sober and with his tummy full of pancakes instead of liquor, does he realize how actually gorgeous Jaehyun is.

When he finishes breakfast, he says goodbye politely, gathering his things as he rushes to go. Jaehyun offers to get him a cab, but Renjun insists that he'll be fine. Jaehyun does not prod after that and lets him go.

If Jaehyun's caring nature made Renjun feel something, then he's going to keep that something and bury it deep somewhere he can never find it.

It is only a one-night stand, after all.

When he's not wallowing in his heartbreak over tall boys with pretty lips that he can't seem to get out of his mind, Renjun is a fully functioning adult, thank you very much.

He works at a kindergarten as a teacher. And although everyone he knows was shocked upon learning that he wanted to teach kids, it's really something that he enjoys. Teaching the new generation makes him feel motivated to go to work everyday, even with a hangover.

"You look like shit." Jaemin, his co-worker tells him when they meet in the teacher's lounge that afternoon while the kids are taking their nap. Renjun has come in for his coffee, and it seems like Jaemin is taking their worksheets for the next period. They're going to be drawing their favorite animals today.

"Gee, thanks." he deadpans, watching as the coffee trickles down from the machine and into his mug that says RENJUN BEST TEACHER. It's a gift from his younger brother when he graduated, he's used it ever since. 

Jaemin has an armful of worksheets when he looks at Renjun. "Next time, don't go drinking on a Sunday. You don't want to start explaining to kids why adults turn to alcohol for happiness."

Renjun groans as he wipes his hand over his face. "Jaemin... please."

Jaemin seems to recognize his desperate plea. So he exhales, hugs the worksheets closer to him and exits the teachers' lounge.

Renjun finally enjoys his coffee.

When he thinks back to his morning, Renjun feels a slight shudder run through him. He managed to get some sleep after coming home from Jaehyun's before running to work. He kind of regrets all the hard liquor, but more than the hangover and the overall soreness, he thinks there is a vague feeling of regret when he thinks of what could have been if he just⏤

Nevermind.

The alarm on his phone goes off just as he starts drinking his coffee. It's time to wake the kids up.

The kids from section Blueberry are all very lovely. But he thinks it's because he's the one that sends them home after their last activity for the day. Hence, when they all finish coloring in their imaginary animals, the bell rings just in time and Renjun ushers the kids out to the playground where their parents will be picking them up.

He sits around by the kids, playing with them and making sure that their parents are indeed the ones picking them up. One by one, the children meet their parents and get ready to go home. Until one remains.

Jiyeon sits by the playhouse, sitting on its ledge as she waits for her mom. She has her chin tucked over her hands, pouting as she looks at the gate to see if anyone has arrived. No one has arrived in the past 20 minutes.

"Jiyeon-ah," Renjun approaches her with a hand held out, Jiyeon looks up at him and bounces up to hug him around his legs when he's near enough. 

"Teacher Jun," she sniffs, and Renjun notices how she's hugging him tighter. He pulls her away slightly so they can sit next to each other by the ledge of the playhouse instead, and Renjun puts an arm over her to keep her near. 

"Is your mom coming today?" He asks as he pulls his phone out from his back pocket to make a call. Her mom has never forgotten to pick her up, and she usually arrives earlier to chat with the other parents that arrive early to pick their kids up. This is a rare occurrence. 

Jiyeon shakes her head. "No," she sighs wistfully, like she's disappointed but expected this. "My older brother is coming... Mom has to work." 

"Older brother?" Renjun asks, bewildered. He does not recall getting a heads-up from Jiyeon's mom that her older brother will be fetching her today, so he's a little bit surprised to say the least. 

Jiyeon nods. "Yeah! He's tall and handsome! Like Teacher Jun! But he's always late, it's so annoying! He never comes on time for our movie nights!" 

Renjun laughs at her enthusiastic description, patting her head to console her upset. "I'm sure there's a reason why he's late today."

Jiyeon blows her bangs away from her face, annoyed. "He always has his reasons!"

Just as Jiyeon complains, a car pulls up in the driveway. Jiyeon jumps up in recognition, hauling her backpack onto her shoulders as she runs to the direction of the exit.

Renjun follows suit, with intention to introduce himself to Jiyeon's older brother and to remind him of what time they're supposed to pick the kids up. He supposes that he does have his reasons, but it's never a safe practice to let kids get used to not being picked up on time. 

However, when Jiyeon's older brother steps out of the car. Everything else goes into slow motion, Renjun stops in his tracks as his stomach drops. He does not think he will be able to pick it up anytime soon.

It's Jaehyun that steps out of the car. 

Meeting Jaehyun again on the same day he practically ran away from him is not how Renjun thought his day would end. This is just the worst day of his life and he can't even say anything because Jiyeon is right there. 

Jaehyun acts like he does not know him, which is probably for the better because he does not know how to explain to Jiyeon that he met her older brother the night before and had a really nice night but he proceeded to run away from him in shame in the morning. Renjun acts the same, like he has everything under control but in reality, he's freaking out about the colored marker stains he has on his cheek from today's activity.

"Sorry for being late," Jaehyun apologizes to him. He has picked Jiyeon up in his arms now, the girl hugging her around his neck as she has finished scolding him for being late. "Something happened and I got held up, thanks for taking care of Jiyeon."

Renjun shrugs. "It's nothing, it's my job after all."

Jaehyun gives him a smile, something that reminds him starkly of last night. He swallows. "Thank you, really. Won't be late from now on."

"Can we go home?" Jiyeon perks up, yawning. "I want my chocolate ice cream and my nap, like you promised."

Jaehyun laughs and pinches her on the cheek. It's a heartwarming sight. "Of course, princess. Say bye to Teacher Jun now."

"Bye Teacher Jun!" 

When they finally drive away, Renjun is left wondering why there's this feeling of wanting something more.

When Renjun gets home that day, he finds one of the biggest regrets of his life.

He finds that he regrets not checking his pocket. He decides to declutter his stuff today, and with that, he finds that there's a phone number tucked in the pocket of his coat from when he had sex with Jaehyun.

He stares at it for a while, for a minute, for an hour before he finally decides to take his shot. 

**[you]** hello?   
**[you]** is this jaehyun…

**[+82-115-5596-723]** oh   
**[+82-115-5596-723]** i thought you’d never find it

**[you]** hnng sorry   
**[you]** i’m just all over the place rn

**[jaehyun]** i understand   
**[jaehyun]** how are you feeling?

**[you]** mhm   
**[you]** better   
**[you]** :) 

**[jaehyun]** well i live alone not with my parents anymore   
**[jaehyun]** but i still visit them on the weekends   
**[jaehyun]** especially jiyeon

**[you]** you should visit her more   
**[you]** she always talks about you

**[jaehyun]** i’m picking her up from kindergarten this week again :]    
**[jaehyun]** mom has a business trip

**[you]** oh well   
**[you]** see you?

**[jaehyun]** see you :]

**[you]** i still cant believe you don’t believe in aliens   
**[you]** the universe is so big and you think we’re the only ones out there!!!!!??!?!

**[jaehyun]** i’ll believe it when i see it

**[you]** oh my god

**[jaehyun]** dont believe in it either

**[you]** i hate you

**[jaehyun]** no you dont

**[you]** sigh   
**[you]** you’re right

**[jaehyun]** jiyeon said something funny today while i was driving her home

**[you]** yeah?   
**[you]** she always says funny things

**[jaehyun]** she thinks we look good together

**[you]** oh   
**[you]** mhm   
**[you]** that’s nice :) 

**[jaehyun]** what do you think of movie and dinner?

**[you]** ??    
**[you]** i think that people should always have dinner   
**[you]** and should go watch a movie from time to time if they want to??   
**[you]** i dont believe i’m fully understanding

**[jaehyun]** silly   
**[jaehyun]** i’m asking you out to dinner   
**[jaehyun]** and a movie   
**[jaehyun]** later after your classes?

**[you]** oh   
**[you]** i see

**[jaehyun]** it’s okay if you don’t want to though!

**[you]** no!   
**[you]** see you :)

**[jaehyun]** oh   
**[jaehyun]** see you then :]

The person staring at Renjun in the mirror is entirely different from the one who had been staring at him a month ago. For one, the background is much cleaner. There's no longer the dirty laundry lying around nor is there the scraps from week-old food he let lying around because he had been too sad to clean up his apartment.

His hair is silver now, a contrast from the ugly brown it had been a month ago. Jaemin was shocked to see him with silver hair, but he can't say anything when he has bright pink hair himself. So it's fair game between the two teachers now.

He's nervous, it's shows with the way he twiddles with his thumb and runs his hand over his coat a few times. The snow has started falling now, their Friday night movie will run until late so Renjun makes sure to dress warmly. There's no use in saying that he's not imagining how Jaehyun will take the night, because it's all he has been thinking about all day. 

He's been texting with Jaehyun for the past month, and add that to their daily meetings whenever he picked Jiyeon up from the kindergarten. It's almost safe to say that Renjun thinks he's taking the right step towards moving on. What better way to forget about someone than be preoccupied with someone else, right? 

Jaehyun gives him attention, Jaehyun is nice to him, and Jaehyun doesn't make promises he can't keep. Renjun likes him.

Just as he does the last of the buttons of his coat, his phone pings with the familiar tone of a text message. He jogs to the drawer where he last put it, excited at the message that Jaehyun has sent him.

However, when Renjun sees the message and sees who it's from. His heart drops. 

**[+82-115-5565-591]** Renjun? It's me, Johnny.    
**[+82-115-5565-591]** I'm back in Korea, but not for a long time.   
**[+82-115-5565-591]** Can we please meet? I'm so sorry. I was wrong. I love you.    
**[+82-115-5565-591]** Please. Give me one more chance. Let's meet at our favorite spot, okay?   
**[+82-115-5565-591]** I'll be waiting for you.

Renjun loved Johnny. That much he is sure of. He devoted so much of his time, so much of his effort making sure that Johnny loved him back too. And, for a short six months, Renjun believed that Johnny loved him too. 

Until, Johnny tells him one day that he's going back to America. Duty calls, he says. He leaves Renjun without saying anything, without any excuses and without any closure. He had been spiralling since then and yet⏤Renjun can't seem to get Johnny out of his head. He has a soft spot for Johnny, there's this thought at the back of his head that asks what could have been. There's this curiosity, the sinister desire to see Johnny again, to meet him again and to get his explanation. 

And maybe this is stupid, but Renjun finds himself walking to the playground they first met in, stomping through the falling snow. He tries not to think of Jaehyun and the shitty excuse he gave him for not being able to come tonight. He thinks of Jaehyun, and he thinks of Johnny. Renjun doesn't know what to do.

He arrives at their favorite spot, right by the swings and he stops in his tracks when he sees Johnny's silhouette. Unchanged, yet tired. An amalgamation of feelings run through him, it's ugly and it's painful. There's anger, there's confusion, yet at the same time there is relief that washes over him when he sees that Johnny is alright. 

He curls his hands into fists until his fingernails dig into his palms, until that ache is all he can feel. "Johnny," he utters out loud, and he realizes that it's the first time in a month he has said his name out loud. 

Johnny stands from where he sits, the snowflakes falling delicately off his hair and onto his shoulders. Renjun tries to keep a steely gaze, tries not to let any sound come out even as Johnny crumbles and pulls him into a bone-crushing hug. 

"Renjun," he hears him sob into his hair, the familiar of scent lavender now strikingly vivid to him. Renjun tastes iron in his tongue but he does not push Johnny away. Johnny is warm, and inviting, and it's all the wrong reasons for Renjun to listen to him.

Yet, he stays. 

"You... what do you want from me?" He manages to croak out, and it's with the ultimate effort to not let his voice crack. He hates that he cries so easily, hates that his tears are so shallow, he hates that even after everything⏤a simple caress from Johnny gets him so weak in the knees.

Maybe he hasn't completely moved on.

Maybe he isn't ready for this.

But he stays.

"I want you back⏤please, Renjun."

It's crazy that he listens to him, crazy that he stays still even as Johnny explains his side of the story. It's nothing Renjun hasn't thought of before. Of course, his excuse is about his job, about how he needs to be there onsite for him to keep working. Renjun understands this, what he doesn't understand is the abruptness of his leave, the sudden I'm sorry, let's break up.

Renjun would have tried with him, would have fought for a long-distance relationship yet Johnny threw it all out the window the moment he found a way out.

The cold bites hard but nothing bites harder than the longing for an old lover and the hurt that comes with it. 

"Things don't get fixed with a simple sorry, Johnny." He says with an exhale. "Just because you're sorry, doesn't make everything okay."

He cannot even look at Johnny, in the fear that it will make his resolve crumble away like the snowflakes. He knows he’s stronger now, but there is always a slight fear that comes with dealing with Johnny. There’s always a soft spot, an Achilles heel, something that Renjun knows he won’t be able to get rid of even if he tried.

“I know.” Johnny’s voice is shaky when he talks again, laced with embarrassment and regret that Renjun can read all too easy from the miniscule movement from the other. He’s always known Johnny as confident, always moving in a way that will make the whole room turn their heads at him. It’s one of the things he liked about Johnny, the sureness he has in itself⏤but all that is missing in the Johnny that faces him today.

He does not know how to feel about it.

Renjun stands up finally, deeming the conversation over. He regrets coming here, regrets lying to Jaehyun but he knows it’s something that should happen. “I’m not giving you the permission to break my heart again Johnny,” he says,  _ looking _ at him this time. “So whatever you want to do, you have fucking think it through. You can’t just come looking for me because you’re emotional or want someone to warm your bed. I have to go.”

When Johnny doesn’t chase him, a mixture of emotions flood him. But he finds solace in being alone.

It’s familiar, like an old friend greeting him and Renjun welcomes it with open arms.

Meeting Johnny and bailing on Jaehyun in one night has proven to take a toll on Renjun. For the first time since he finally started to think he has found his old self again, Renjun is lost. 

On one hand, he likes Jaehyun and he enjoys his company. He likes being around him, likes his jokes and the way he refuses to believe in aliens no matter how much conspiracy theories Renjun bombards him with every day. He finds new things to like about Jaehyun, things that don’t remind him of Johnny, things that Jaehyun has and Johnny doesn’t.

But on the other hand, he thinks he’s being unfair to Jaehyun because whatever he does⏤Renjun cannot help but think of Johnny, compare and contrast him with Johnny. He does not want to give Jaehyun something half-heartedly, doesn’t want to do anything that he might regret after. Renjun has learned his lesson, all he has to do now is apply it.

He has to start cleaning up his mess, and if he wants to start cleaning it up⏤he needs to start with making it up to Jaehyun first.

He calls Jaehyun up this time, apologizes once more and asks if he wants to catch that movie this weekend. When Jaehyun agrees, Renjun starts feeling slightly better.

They plan to watch a movie and get dinner after. It all goes swimmingly, and if Renjun tries hard enough, he can almost forget the reason why he even wanted to ask Jaehyun out today. If he tries hard enough, he can pretend that Johnny did not knock on the door to his heart and successfully shook him enough for him to doubt his feelings for Jaehyun.

Renjun tries.

And it’s enough. 

If Renjun can spend one more day feeling happy around Jaehyun, ignoring the fact that there is still a reminiscent of Johnny that lies deep inside his heart, then Renjun will take that one day selfishly.

After dinner, Jaehyun kisses him in his car and Renjun does not find it in himself to say no. He does not find it himself to reject Jaehyun when he asks him if he wants to stay the night, does not find it in himself to deny Jaehyun when he pushes him up the elevator wall to kiss him.

It’s so selfish, so unlike him, but Renjun likes Jaehyun and Jaehyun makes him forget about Johnny. Can anyone really blame him?

When they get to Jaehyun’s apartment, his coat has been pushed off down his shoulders and he can barely stand on his own from the sheer force of Jaehyun’s kisses. He waits behind Jaehyun, laughing at a joke he said but went over Renjun’s said as he unlocks his door, but Jaehyun pauses in shock when he discovers something.

“Someone’s in my apartment.”

At the warning, Renjun puts his coat back on properly and pats down his hair, licks his lips in instinct as he steps forward nearer Jaehyun. “Maybe it’s your parents?”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “Impossible. They took Jiyeon out to KidZania, remember?” His stance is defensive, like he’s ready to jump at any threat as he puts his arm in front of Renjun. Jaehyun opens the door slowly, and what appears behind the door is something⏤rather, someone Renjun never imagined would be there.

It’s Johnny, standing in his old t-shirt and a pair of worn out boxers,  _ like he lives there. _ He has a beer in his hand, and it takes Renjun back to the beer in Jaehyun’s hand when they first met. It gives him whiplash, gives him palpitations and there are not enough words to express the way his mind is running on a hundred thoughts per minute.

“Jaehyun⏤huh?”

Before any of them can even realize what’s going on, before it even fully sinks in and leads Renjun to a downward spiral⏤Renjun runs away.

“You’re so stupid, you know that? Such a stupid, stupid boy.” 

Renjun turns around in his bed, covers his head with his pillow in hopes that it’ll be effective to drown out Donghyuck’s words. It’s not.

When he learned that Jaehyun and Johnny are best friends, and that Jaehyun is the best friend Renjun never had the chance to meet that Johnny had been talking about when they were together, Renjun wanted the ground to eat him up and swallow him whole. It’s as if the god herself smote him, and him asking Donghyuck to come over to help him out with his dilemma is just the cherry on top.

Again, he does not make the best decisions.

“The one night I leave you unattended, you fuck your ex’s best friend. I didn’t know you were already going on  _ dates _ with him! Are you crazy? Why didn’t you tell me anything?” Donghyuck pesters him, sitting on his bed even as Renjun curls in on himself like a berated hedgehog. 

“I didn’t  _ know _ okay? And you were busy this month! You didn’t even come that night when I wanted to drink with you! If you came with me, I wouldn’t have met Jaehyun!” He raises his defense, which he knows does not make sense⏤because it does not make sense to him either and Donghyuck will never let him live it down.

Donghyuck lets out and offended gasp, striking him on the butt to scold him. Yeah, Renjun probably deserved that but he isn’t uncurling any moment now. “It’s _ my _ fault now, Huang? Are you serious⏤get up from there, you called me so you’re going to talk to me. I didn’t come here to insult you over your bad life decisions, I could do that, but I don’t want to. So get up and talk to me.”

That’s all it takes for Renjun to take his pillow away, sit up against the headboard and face Donghyuck. Contrary to what he imagined, Donghyuck isn’t frowning at him, nor does he look disappointed. There’s a certain look of worry in his face and Renjun is about to cry from it.

“Finally,” Donghyuck sighs, scooting closer. “Look at you, you must have been overthinking this all weekend, huh?”

Renjun can only nod. There’s a different kind of comfort when it’s Donghyuck talking to him, when Donghyuck is here to help him untangle the mess of feelings within him. Maybe Donghyuck knows him better than he knows himself, but he is not about to tell him that.

“What do you want to do then?”

“I want to disappear off the face of the earth never to see Johnny and Jaehyun again.”

“Yeah…” Donghyuck seems to agree, and Renjun raises a brow at him. “ _ Or _ , you can just tell them the truth. That  _ hey, Johnny I still love you but you’re a fucking asshole and Jaehyun, I really liked spending time with you but I think dating you this soon after my break up isn’t healthy⏤so can we please call it a day and leave each other alone? _ ”

Renjun rolls his eyes, pretends to kick Donghyuck but the other catches his ankle mid-air.”What? And ruin their friendship? I can’t do that… not to Johnny… not to Jaehyun.”

“You’re already ruining their friendship by ignoring them. How worse can telling the truth be?” 

Donghyuck looks at him, maintains eye contact until Renjun  _ accepts _ the fact that this is his fate now. It’s better this way, he thinks. Better that he sorts himself out first before even tries to take the next step towards Jaehyun, or take the step back towards Johnny. 

“I hate it when you’re right.”

**_you_ ** created the group.    
**_you_ ** added  **jaehyun** ,  **johnny** .

**[you]** hi?    
**[you]** im sure you guys hate me and i probably deserve that    
**[you]** but i need to talk to the both of you, at the same time… i think it would be better like that   
**[you]** if you have time, let’s meet tonight at this place….    
**[you] 📍** **  
** **[you]** i’ll see you

It’s nerve-wracking.

He’s sitting in a restaurant, dressed his best on a Tuesday evening. There’s Donghyuck sitting outside in his car waiting for Renjun if he ever manages to fuck this up more than he already has.

It's better this way, he decided. He is going to talk to Johnny and Jaehyun at the same time to sort things out. He doesn’t have a  _ plan _ per se, but he just wants to stop being a bad person. He wants to talk to them, wants to tell them that he did not mean to ruin their friendship, wants to tell them that he did not mean to break their hearts. 

His knee is bouncing as he waits, anxiety building up in the pit of his stomach and every open of the door makes his heart leap. 

Maybe they won’t come after all? Maybe they won’t meet him⏤he’d understand if they don’t. He’s such a bad person after all, he does not deserve a second chance⏤

The main door chimes open once more, and it finally reveals the people he has been waiting for. It’s Johnny and Jaehyun, together⏤like they came here at the same time. Renjun does not see any tension between them, and he feels slightly relieved. Yet, when they spot him and Jaehyun waves over to him, he cannot help but feel small.

He straightens up, throat dry even as Johnny and Jaehyun and sit in front of him. Johnny is looking at him, an emotion Renjun can’t read but Jaehyun is smiling. That must be good, right?

“Hi?” Renjun clears his throat, unsure of where to go from here. But he’s already here, might as well go through with the scenario in his head. Jaehyun smiles at him, chuckles even and even if Johnny tries to suppress it, Renjun sees the hint of a smile.

“Hi,” Jaehyun greets back, “how are you? We… I missed you.”

Renjun stiffens at the bluntness and shoots a glance at Johnny, whose expression has softened. He does seem to be taking this well. Perhaps he miscalculated everything? Perhaps Johnny and Jaehyun aren’t ruined after all?

Renjun clears his throat, tries to get back on the topic at hand. “I’m sorry for ghosting you… I just… didn’t know how to handle the fact that you’re Johnny’s best friend.”

He feels like he’s in a weird position, on one hand, he’s on really good terms with Jaehyun⏤on the other, he cannot say the same for Johnny. But Johnny remains to be who he is, warm and understanding. He hasn’t spoken a single word but Renjun does not feel anything bad from him.

“Sorry I didn’t tell you either? I just… didn’t realize you were the ex Johnny was talking about.” Jaehyun says, slightly embarrassed.

Johnny speaks up this time. “I’m sorry too… if I knew you had been dating Jaehyun⏤I wouldn’t have come up to you like that…” 

Renjun makes a sound from the back of his throat⏤ _ dating _ . 

“So… you guys aren’t like… on bad terms because of me right?” He asks, with all the courage that he can muster. “Johnny always talked so well about you, Jaehyun. I didn’t want to be the reason why your friendship is ruined.”

“We are on good terms.” Jaehyun assures him. “We were talking about it and… at the end of the day, no matter how much we liked you, it’s all up to you. If you want to go back to Johnny, it’ll be no hard feelings on me. Swear.”

Renjun narrows his eyes at Jaehyun, then diverts his gaze to Johnny who looks just as calm and collected. Much different from the Johnny he saw that night. “And, if you want to date Jaehyun… that’s okay with me, Renjun. Your happiness is all that matters and if you’re happy with him, then I’m happy.”

An amalgamation of emotions runs through him, shock, relief, confusion⏤but there’s this lingering feeling of being  _ loved _ . He does not know if it’s appropriate that he’s feeling like this on the brink of rejecting two guys, but it’s all he can feel in this moment and somehow⏤Renjun wants them  _ both _ .

But he stops himself before he falls down that slippery slope, reminds himself of why he’s here, of why he even wanted to talk to them in the first place. 

He sighs, tries to collect himself enough to utter his next words. Jaehyun and Johnny are waiting with bated breaths for his decision.

Instead, this is what Renjun gives them.

“I’m in a very weird place right now and… I don’t want to make this decision when I’m just… you know, not stable enough?” He mumbles, almost breaking down under the intensity of their gazes. “Like… I don’t want to break any more hearts or hurt either of you further… so to be honest… I need time.” 

It’s Jaehyun that exhales first, followed by Johnny who looks just as relieved. “It’s no problem,” Jaehyun says, that gentle feeling he’s always received from Jaehyun never leaving, “you can think it over, we can give you space if it’s what you need.” 

Renjun looks over at Johnny, waiting for his response. “Of course, Renjun. Thank you⏤for considering me despite me being a complete asshole…  _ thank you _ .” 

Renjun thinks about it. He doesn’t think he can completely hate Johnny, in fact, he’s sure he never hated Johnny. He just needs to process this, needs to think and needs to know himself in order for him to allow them to know him again.

He exhales, laughing. “Okay, this went way better than I thought. Thank you, the both of you.”

“Anything for you, Renjun.” 

“Anything at all.”

There’s still that feeling of being loved, even as Jaehyun and Johnny walk Renjun to Donghyuck’s car. He isn’t sure if he should give them hugs, but he does anyway. When he gets inside Donghyuck’s car, they wait until Donghyuck has driven out of the parking lot before leaving.

Donghyuck turns to him, a slight knowing smirk on his face. “How do you feel?”

Renjun looks at the rear view mirror, Johnny’s and Jaehyun’s retreating backs getting smaller as they get farther. “Better.” 

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/renjunims)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/renjunims)  
> Happy birthday Johnny! Sorry I made you kind of an asshole :/
> 
> *laughs in a possible polyamorous relationship*


End file.
